Sunday, April 5, 2009

Nothing ends happily anymore does it? I try and I try and I try to make this work. I'm sorry I've been sad lately. I'm sorry I'm making YOU sad. Those weren't my intentions. This isn't supposed to be happening. I'm trying to be happier. You know that I have an awkward mind. I told you that from the start.
I get beat. I get thrown to the ground. I get laughed at. I get doubted. I get humiliated. Yet, I don't get happiness. I don't know what it is. You just act different lately. When we started, you NEVER wanted to NOT see me, not you're drifting, and now you don't want to see me as much. Why? What did I do? Everyone says 'sex' ruins relationships, but we haven't had sex. What if we did? Would it bring us closer together? Would we be able to forget about sadness? No, of course not.
I'm truley sorry my dreams are fucked. A lot of them come true. I wish a lot of them didn't. Most of them I haven't told you about, yet they all involve you. I don't tell you because I'm trying to overcome my sadness and be happy so you're happier. I'm done making you sad. I'm done making you cry. I'm done seeing you get hurt because of my low self-esteem. I wish I were a better person to where I could make you happier. I know you don't want to leave me, but I wish all of my dreams wouldn't tell me other wise. I've had the same dream for the past 4 nights. It's rediculous. This is rediculous.
Yes, I had fun at the beach today, and thank you for inviting me. But it's like, you don't feel like kissing me anymore. You don't really want to hug me anymore. For God sakes, I have to ask to have one. What did I do to deserve this? What did you do to deserve this. I'm not ever going to leave you, that's a promise. No matter how mad, sad, or any other terrible emotion that strikes me, I'll always be happy knowing that you're mine and I get to see you a lot. But now you're telling me you want to see me one day a week, and MAYBE the weekend. You can't just adjust to something like that. That's like me deciding to go to Massachusetts. That's how it's going to feel if I just see you one time a week, and possible the weekend. I just don't think that's fair. I'm sorry that I get sad when I fucking make plans and I get told that you already made plans without telling me. I'm trying to not be controlling, I'm really not because that's not a healthy relationship.
You know I love you, and you know I always will. Just please take this blog into consideration. I'd really like it if you took a walk in my shoes for a day Brittany, you'd see how my mind functions, you'd see how I get these mental breakdowns, you'd see how hard I fucking try to make you happy and then it turns out that you're sad when I become happy.
I'm not sure what to do about this situation because it's your choice too. I hope you read this. I love you, thank you for starting my life. I mean it.