Tuesday, June 16, 2009


I'm having a very strong lack of patience lately. I feel selfish, yet at the same time, you are pretty much the reason for this. I try to make this work, but all I seem to do is fuck it up. I'm trying to see you as much as possible, because we're going to be away from each other for two and a half weeks while I'm gone.
You know, something tells me that you don't feel the same about me anymore. You feel like I've drifted from you. You always say I make things hard on you, and honestly, that's what a fuck up is. I mess everything up that walks in my path, it's like a curse that has probably been passed down from generation to generation, and now is stuck right with me. Seriously, I've been cheated on, I've been used, I've been accused of things I haven't done, I have "SCAPEGOAT" written on my forehead.
I'm not trying to rush you with crap, but it's like, you don't want to hangout with me, and you just aren't telling me because you think I'll be sad. For God sakes, of course I'm going to be sad, but be honest with me. You haven't really been doing that, and it's like, if I say "Well, I can tell that you don't want to hangout today, so it's whatever, we'll hangout some other time.." then you get all offensive and get mad at ME. I just want honesty. I just want you to tell me when you don't want to do something, because like I said before, my honest opinion is that you either have been like this before and kept a good secret about it, or you just don't care for me as much as you used to. I really would like to know. What I really do want to know though, is why?
You weren't like this before, you're different now. You don't act the same around me. You seem to have an attitude with me lately. I'm trying to let you run things the way you want, but I'm doing the wrong thing by that, because it's supposed to be what WE want, not just you, not just me. Another thing that's nagging me is that you never set a time or anything to see me, or make plans. For an example; every time we see each other. I'm trying to make this a little more organized, wouldn't you like that? It's easier. I could be doing other things, I could be hanging out with my friends instead of sitting here and doing nothing but waiting and losing my patience. You always say that I should hangout with my friends, but if you are going to hangout with me at like 5, or 5:30, i.e. "today" then, let me know therefore I could plan for something for ME to do. It's really not fair, that you can do what YOU want for the time before you see me, and I can't. I just don't know anymore, but I hope you read this. I'm really not mad at you, I'm just getting a little agitated by it because I'm trying to help this relationship, because I don't want it to weaken anymore than it already has. I'm sorry.

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