Monday, April 27, 2009

Day 3: Not Sure Anymore

No computer, I'm on my Brothers laptop. Luckyy him, he gets a brand new laptop and I get shit. Fucking jerk. Oh well, mine better get fixed though..

Honestly, I'm not sure anymore. I tell you the sweetest things ever, and after, you'll giggle, and just blabber on about something else like I didn't even say anything. I know I've told you that "you mean everything to me" a bunch of times lately, but it's because you do. Sometimes you don't take it into consideration. I'm trying to state a point when I say it more than be sweet to be honest. I just wish you'd tell me sweet things too. It would just warm me on the inside. Also, I just hate having "odd" feelings lately with things. Like I know it was a while ago, and I'm 99% over it, but just the fact that you gave Chris your number, when you NEVER give out your number, kinda makes me think differently. I do wonder if you've done this before. I just wish you were a little more open about things like I am to you. Being open would keep a slightly healthier relationships, especially if you want things to last like me. I know it will all work out eventually. Also, if I were to get jealous, or mad in any way because of it, that's my problem. I just hope some other boy doesn't come sweeping you off your feet, and left in the dark tunnel waiting to be shanked. Just be a bit more honest with me babe, I know you can. I just don't want this to cause a problem. And to tell the truth, I'm not sad and//or mad about your honesty, I just think it needs some improving. You'll understand, and I hope you read this.
I love you <3

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Day 2: Follow

You're talking and talking to him now, just like "old times." Well I remember the old times, you told me yourself. It's leading to something bad. You know it as well as I do. Should I trust your actions? I can't really tell. One slip, it's done. Sorry.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Day 1: Freedom

Or at least I thought it was. I had my hand out for you to grab on and be free, but the sins pulled you in. Now you're trapped; practically locked up until you're told otherwise you can leave. Yet, I still wonder, and I always will, but why, oh why were you pulled in. Why didn't I put my hand out for reach fast enough? My intentions were gold, but my actions were false. Nothing was right. Not now, not ever. Day 1: Non-Successful. Simple as that.

Monday, April 20, 2009


Why does everyone think Brittany and I have had sex? Seriously, it's getting annoying now. We haven't had it, and we both agreed to wait on it until we are both prepared and it's the right time. Who knows when that will be, but besides that, we aren't doing it. I think we would know if we had sex don't you think? Yeah, we've thought about it every now and who knows, but honestly, we haven't even really came close to it. So everyone who thinks we have done "it" yet, please stfu. It would help a lot, and I hope Brittany's Dad reads this, and whoever else thinks we are doing it. Okay? I hope you get the point.

Monday, April 13, 2009

I'm Worthless, and Even You Know It.

I've been smothered by my own intentions and it's tearing me apart. Everything around me is spinning. The signs god is giving me, the signs you are giving me are just going right through me. Why so? I couldn't tell you, and no one could tell me.
Why are these dreams haunting me? They have minds of their own I tell you. They make me want to suffocate my own soul, and throw my life away. Nothing runs through my sleep smoothly anymore. It's always a risk factor that ends up awakening my useless body in the middle of dusk and making me bawl. Dreams like cheating, death, and life factors are the ones that trouble me most.
Things will get better, you tell me this all the time. I trust you. I trust every action said or done by you. It amazes me how you help me. You are the cure to all of this. You're there for my rotting body. You, yes you; you know who you are, and you know that you are helping me. I hope you read this, and I hope you take it into consideration, you are my life. You can save me, I know you can...

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Sunday, April 12, 2009

It's departure time. The plane has stopped, I have gotten off swiftly as if I'd seen a ghost. Nothing seemed right. Everyone looked dead; very pale. Their voices--mono toned. "Why is everyone like this?" I had said to myself while biting off each and every one of my jagged, half-bitten nails.

A twitch had overcame my weak body. My body heat seemed very cool, and I felt moist. Was it the sweat? Oh the sweet sweat of my nervousness. Soon, I felt lost. I lost something on the plane, didn't I? DIDN'T I! Oh for crying out loud, SOMETHING WAS ON THAT PLANE! Where did it go? Where is it? Hold on, and let my conscious work its way through this one. Yes! My God, YES! I remember now. It was her. It wasn't a thing, it was a human being. But I'm still asking myself, "Where is she? What's her name? Why did I lose her?" These thoughts trembled me through the terminal, and on the way home...

Arriving at my home, a gust of wind blows me over to where I had stumbled slightly. I knew it, I knew my body had felt weak. But WHY?! "WHY GOD, WHY!?" I screamed. I sit down on my front step, where I encounter a note. The note had read, "Meet me on the corner of Hill St. in 20 minutes." I thought to myself, "Now this isn't an ordinary person. They must know me somehow. they must have known where I had just recently been; Wyoming. To know where I would be at exact time, exact place, this thing must have been some sort of secret. Wait a second now, maybe, oh lord just maybe, it's her! Could this be what I've been searching for? Only if, only..if.

Twenty minutes have past as I have been waiting by Hill St. for what it feels like days. My luck is slowly running out now as I look down the street and a black, tall, lanky silhouette figure started to approach Hill St. Now it's getting closer, and closer. For God sakes, it has no face! NO FACE AT ALL! Yet, with a soft tone in it's voice, it gently says "I'm everything you've lost. You miss every single memory, every thought, every hope, and every fucking dream. Take my hand, you will encounter success in gaining back what you've lost." Slowly I reach out my hand, and after I grabbed her hand, I tried taking it back. No. That was not an option. Her mouth opened widely and as if not feeling a thing, my body had disappeared into my past. There was no more future for me..

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Nothing ends happily anymore does it? I try and I try and I try to make this work. I'm sorry I've been sad lately. I'm sorry I'm making YOU sad. Those weren't my intentions. This isn't supposed to be happening. I'm trying to be happier. You know that I have an awkward mind. I told you that from the start.
I get beat. I get thrown to the ground. I get laughed at. I get doubted. I get humiliated. Yet, I don't get happiness. I don't know what it is. You just act different lately. When we started, you NEVER wanted to NOT see me, not you're drifting, and now you don't want to see me as much. Why? What did I do? Everyone says 'sex' ruins relationships, but we haven't had sex. What if we did? Would it bring us closer together? Would we be able to forget about sadness? No, of course not.
I'm truley sorry my dreams are fucked. A lot of them come true. I wish a lot of them didn't. Most of them I haven't told you about, yet they all involve you. I don't tell you because I'm trying to overcome my sadness and be happy so you're happier. I'm done making you sad. I'm done making you cry. I'm done seeing you get hurt because of my low self-esteem. I wish I were a better person to where I could make you happier. I know you don't want to leave me, but I wish all of my dreams wouldn't tell me other wise. I've had the same dream for the past 4 nights. It's rediculous. This is rediculous.
Yes, I had fun at the beach today, and thank you for inviting me. But it's like, you don't feel like kissing me anymore. You don't really want to hug me anymore. For God sakes, I have to ask to have one. What did I do to deserve this? What did you do to deserve this. I'm not ever going to leave you, that's a promise. No matter how mad, sad, or any other terrible emotion that strikes me, I'll always be happy knowing that you're mine and I get to see you a lot. But now you're telling me you want to see me one day a week, and MAYBE the weekend. You can't just adjust to something like that. That's like me deciding to go to Massachusetts. That's how it's going to feel if I just see you one time a week, and possible the weekend. I just don't think that's fair. I'm sorry that I get sad when I fucking make plans and I get told that you already made plans without telling me. I'm trying to not be controlling, I'm really not because that's not a healthy relationship.
You know I love you, and you know I always will. Just please take this blog into consideration. I'd really like it if you took a walk in my shoes for a day Brittany, you'd see how my mind functions, you'd see how I get these mental breakdowns, you'd see how hard I fucking try to make you happy and then it turns out that you're sad when I become happy.
I'm not sure what to do about this situation because it's your choice too. I hope you read this. I love you, thank you for starting my life. I mean it.